Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
