Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
