I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
