capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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