This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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