Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.