I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"