peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"