It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
