The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
