i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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