You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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