A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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