this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
