Sponge bath it is.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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