we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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