i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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