im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
