I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
