It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize