A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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