I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
