I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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