Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day