So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.