You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.