Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nicole vs. Life
well I can't set my house on fire every night
there's paper in my vomit.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!