You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
