He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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