Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
