Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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