my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
