God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
