if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
