When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
