Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
