every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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