Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
