I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.