Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day