OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"