Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?