He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
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I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN