You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.