I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk