Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.