Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants