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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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