Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.