I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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