well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
