Don't make out with my wife yet
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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