tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want to make out with him forever
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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