he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
