I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
