why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
