if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
