sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
