I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
