so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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