You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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