youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible