One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
