I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
