Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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