he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
