Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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