i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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